Processes & Bureaucracy
Everything you need to know on defining and following processes at Holistic Engineering Laboratories Ltd.
Rules
Focus solely on meeting the metrics, regardless of what the KPI is actually measuring or what the underlying goal is supposed to be.
When working on a solution, always go for the most expensive and complex option—after all, if it’s good enough for Amazon and Google, it should be just right for your company. The principle of "Keep it simple" is strictly for amateurs. Plus, you can always use the complexity as an excuse for why the problem isn’t solved yet—claiming that more in-depth focus on the technical aspects is still required.
If you do opt for a simple solution, it will only be taken seriously if it’s entirely built in Excel or PowerPoint.
If you need to map out a workflow, under no circumstances should you use standard Jira workflows. Instead, instruct IT to create a custom workflow tailored to your unique and undoubtedly exceptional case. Be sure to use status and resolution options as inconsistently as possible, along with terminology that no one else understands.
Even for the simplest tasks and standard processes, use the most complex templates possible, complete with checkboxes and subtickets—ideally requiring a manual signature as well. Make sure filling out the template takes more time than completing the actual task.
Do absolutely nothing—literally nothing—without assigning a cost center. After all, ensuring transparency over how work hours are used is the ultimate priority.
To make sure there’s a fitting version of every rule for every employee and every occasion, copy the documentation to as many different locations as possible. This way, the documents can evolve into wonderfully inconsistent variants—independently and unchecked—ensuring there's always some rule to support whatever needs justifying.
Sounds familiar and nevertheless strange?
Take a look at why this page exists – our motivation and how you can work with it in the application.